A Crisis of Loneliness
“Modern loneliness, we’re never alone
But always depressed, yeah
Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text, yeah” — lyrics from Modern Loneliness by Lauv
It is a hard thing to admit, but I am lonely. I am blessed with a wonderful family, a great group of close (I can call them in the middle of the night, no questions asked) friends, and some of the best work colleagues a person could ask for…but I am still lonely, and I bet you might be lonely too.
We are pack animals. We are hard-wired to need each other and to work together. We have spent more of our human existence in tribes than not. We used to hunt and gather together and celebrate the killing of the beast with a shared feast. Now we just tap a reorder button on our mobile device and our favorite meal magically arrives at our doorstep. Advances in technology have made a lot of things easier and better. If you are reading this, then you enjoy an abundance of modern conveniences. At the same time, we have made it all too easy for people to do whatever they want by themselves from their couch at home. Do not get me wrong — I love the convenience of food and grocery delivery services. I love the flexibility and luxury of being able to work from home or almost anywhere. What I strongly believe we are missing out on is doing hard things together and celebrating accomplishing them together. I long for this camaraderie.
My wife came home the other day from a fascinating meeting, and I sat at our kitchen table enthralled as she told me all about it. She recently joined a group I had never heard of called Mothers of Preschoolers (or MOPS). I gave myself a free pass on not knowing about them because, well, I am not a mother. However, I was shocked when I learned this group has been around for nearly 50 years. Back in the 1970’s, a group of moms with young kids got together and said, “we are in this $#!+ together” (or I imagine they did). The group has expanded to include moms with school-aged kids and now operates in 70 countries. Wow!
As they went around the table and introduced themselves, the moms quickly learned that each one of them is going through or has been through similar challenges. More than that, they shared a common sense of loneliness, especially missing more frequent adult conversations. When they dug a bit deeper, they discovered what was getting in the way of reaching out and connecting with friends: shame. They feared that everyone else had it all figured out and that they were the only person who was struggling. This idea struck me at my core. It is exactly what I feel too. I feel shame about feeling lonely. I feel shame that everyone else has it all figured out. I can easily “like” or “love” your post. I might muster the courage to make a comment. But to DM (direct message) you, that takes courage and self-assurance. To text you, that’s bravery. And to voice call you, that should come with some medal for extraordinary sacrifice.
We view the perfectly curated and filtered lives of everyone we are connected with on social media, and we think to ourselves, “I am not going to bother or burden him or her with my problems or my relatively boring life.” The reality is that those “friends” are likely experiencing many of the same struggles and emotions as you. We all want to put on a good face and share only the good news. In my experience, the place real friendships and trust-based relationships come from is being in the $#!+ together, surviving it, reveling in it, and coming out stronger on the other side. It comes from supporting each other, checking in on each other, and giving each other a kick in the @$$ whenever it is needed. This is why I have never felt a stronger bond than the one I forged with my Marines.
Sebastian Junger, the author of Tribe, has spent years studying and living with the U.S. military in combat and writing about the human condition. He wrote, “human beings need three basic things in order to be content: they need to feel competent at what they do; they need to feel authentic in their lives; and they need to feel connected to others. These values are considered ‘intrinsic’ to human happiness and far outweigh ‘extrinsic’ values such as beauty, money and status.” Loneliness pays no attention to wealth or fame or job title. In my experience, some of the loneliest people are actually “at the top” because it is hard for them to know who they can trust versus who just wants something from them. Also, the lonelier you are, the more likely you are to isolate yourself. So, it becomes a downward spiral.
There is hope. It starts with a recognition that other people likely feel the same way you feel and are struggling with some of the same challenges. Then, it takes some courage to reach out, to check in, and be willing to go first. “Hello friend, I have been feeling kind of lonely lately. How are you feeling? Want to get together and hang out?” Check in with yourself and check on your friends and family.
