Breaking the Fatherhood Mold
“My child arrived just the other day, He came to the world in the usual way, But there were planes to catch and bills to pay, He learned to walk while I was away.” — Harry Chapin, “Cats in the Cradle”
When my daughter was less than a year old, I was flying to two or three cities each week to meet with clients and potential clients. There was nothing glamorous about being a partner at a prestigious global consulting firm. I could not understand how some of my colleagues could spend most of the work week away from their families and then on the weekends choose to play golf or watch sports all day, also away from their families. There was an unhealthy normalization of the idea that work is your primary identity and more important than being a dad. So, I quit and took another job where I could spend more time at home being the dad I aspired to be.
As I made my way from my car in to a parenting class, an older gentleman in the parking lot spotted me carrying my daughter in a camouflage patterned baby carrier and asked, “what is that thing?” I tried to explain to him that it is this amazing piece of gear to carry your baby in as it gives them the warmth and security of being up against your heartbeat while also giving you use of both of your hands. He didn’t seem impressed. As I walked away, he quipped, “good luck on your babysitting duty today.” I thought to myself, “you don’t babysit your own kids. You parent them.”
When it comes to popular culture and societal portrayals, there are several common tropes associated with dads. While these tropes do not reflect the reality of most fathers, they often serve as a way to get a few laughs or deepen the drama.
There is the “Workaholic Dad” or “Absent Father” who is emotionally or physically absent from their children’s lives. They may be preoccupied with work or personal pursuits, resulting in a lack of involvement or connection with their families. They may prioritize their careers above everything else, including family time. They are often depicted as neglecting their familial responsibilities and missing important milestones due to their professional ambitions.
Then there is the bumbling, clueless, and prone to making mistakes, particularly in parenting or household tasks, “Doofus Dad.” They are often depicted as needing assistance from a more competent family member, usually the mother. This can also come in the form of the “Babysitter Dad” who, when left on his own to take care of the kids, is portrayed as an incompetent caregiver and secondary parent.
There is the “Overprotective Dad” who appears to be overly concerned with the safety and well-being of their children. They may be depicted as strict and controlling, seeking to shield their children from any potential harm or danger. They ultimately stand in the way of their children taking the appropriate risks to develop in life and learn independence.
Possibly the most harmful tropes are the “Alcoholic and Abusive Father” and the “Deadbeat Dad.” The first one requires no explanation. The “Deadbeat Dad” refers to a negative stereotype that portrays fathers who fail to fulfill their financial and emotional responsibilities towards their children. This stereotype characterizes these fathers as absent, neglectful, and unwilling to provide financial support or be actively involved in their children’s lives.
While I am personally and painfully aware that there are some dads that sadly do fit these stereotypes, it’s important to remember that these tropes are often exaggerated caricatures used for entertainment purposes. Most of the real dads I know, all of my dad friends, are actively involved in their children’s lives, emotionally and financially supportive, and committed to their healthy development and well-being. When my own father was absent, I was blessed to have an amazing stepdad who stepped in to the void and became more of a dad to me than my own father. Now I get to enjoy the relationship he has with my kids. They love their “Grandpy.”
It is important to avoid perpetuating stereotypes that can further stigmatize and marginalize fathers. Recognizing and supporting fathers who are actively working to fulfill their responsibilities is crucial for promoting positive family dynamics and the well-being of children. If we truly want gender equality, then we need to treat dads as the equal parents that they are and appreciate the ones who have broken the fatherhood mold that society has tried to put us in.
So, today I celebrate all the good dads out there. All the diaper changing, bottle feeding, baby wearing dads. You are loving, caring, supportive, and engaged. You matter and your parenting is super important. You defy the stereotypes and cheap tropes. You’ve heeded the words of Harry Chapin’s song “Cats in the Cradle.” You don’t make the empty promises of the recurring chorus, “When you comin’ home, Dad? I don’t know when, But we’ll get together then, son, You know we’ll have a good time then.” You are there for your family. You are present. You are engaged. Like most of us, you are a good Dad.
Happy Father’s Day!
