Heroic Masculinity
Celebrating the Superpowers of Most Dads (and Good Men)
Toxic masculinity has skyrocketed as a topic of online discussion and news in the last decade, and it is sticking around. Sadly, it has metastasized into the pervasive male stereotype: aggressive, controlling, emotionally suppressed, misogynistic, sexually entitled, and abusive. We all know the horrible behaviors of the Andrew Tates and Harvey Weinsteins of the world amplified through 24/7 news coverage. Exposing these bad actors did a lot of good, but maybe it is time to reframe the discourse around what it means to be a real man and appreciate the majority who are real men.
In the absence of a better aspiration, a generation of young men are taking their cues from the “Manosphere” and being persuaded by Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, and others to emulate the best AND worst of “Alpha” males. This concept of the one top male who uses physical prowess to dominate the pack is misappropriated from nature and does not reflect reality. Primatologist, Frans de Waal, who studied chimpanzees for forty years, observed that “a good alpha male breaks up fights and defends the underdog…If it’s a good alpha male who keeps order and is protective and is not abusive, then they try to keep that male in power.” Allow me to state for the record, there is NOTHING admirable, courageous, or strong about using physical power to exert dominance over a group to serve your own self-interests. In fact, this is exactly what weak and insecure men do to feed their egos.
The alternative to the “Alpha” male is not milquetoast or a “Beta” male. You don’t have to be timid, weak, and ineffectual to be a modern man. In fact, being timid, weak, and ineffectual is not being a man at all. The best men I know embody heroic masculinity — a form of self-transcendence fueled by internal conviction. I first heard this term from the Dutch author, Rutger Bregman in an interview he gave on his latest book, Moral Ambition.
If toxic masculinity is driven by ego, then heroic masculinity is driven by love.
Toxic masculinity is all about seeking external validation and dominance — “I must win to be worthy.” Heroic masculinity is all about seeking purpose and selfless service to others — “I must serve because others are worthy.”
All of the dads I know, my closest friends and family members, embody heroic masculinity. I am not talking about the heroism of saving people from burning buildings, violent criminals, or life-threatening accidents— while this is underappreciated work as well. I am talking about the heroism of working all day to provide for their families and then coming home and being the diaper changing, bottle feeding, baby wearing, dishes washing, clothes laundering, dinner cooking, values instilling, prayer praying, book reading, team coaching, carpool driving, homework tutoring, house fixing, lawn mowing, garbage toting, jar opening, bug squashing loyal husbands and engaged fathers that they are…no doubt moms are superheroes (and deserve tremendous recognition) AND so are dads. Today, Father’s Day, is about showing our gratitude and appreciation for these amazing men who are NOT rare.
We need to stop allowing the exceptions — the few bad apples — to control the narrative and define the majority of what it means to be a man. Most men, and especially dads, are everyday heroes. And today, I appreciate all of you for your heroic masculinity and everything you do for others.
P.S. If you want a good role model for heroic masculinity, please read and follow .
