On Real Men
From a very young age, my stepfather showed me what it means to be a man, a real man. While he was dating my mom, he finished his associate's degree while working part time and then he set out to transfer to East Carolina University to complete his bachelor’s degree. We lived in Florida at the time, so him moving away for two years meant a long-distance relationship and the odds would be stacked against them. My mom was raising my older sister and I as a single shift nurse. We had grown attached to her boyfriend and we were sad to see him go. When he showed back up at our front door, luggage in hand, and told us he decided he couldn’t leave us, we were overcome with joy. He sacrificed an opportunity for himself to invest in our family and in a future together. He went to work full time, coached our sports teams, taught us invaluable lessons, and helped my mom raise us. That’s what real men do.
His example revealed to me that real men work hard, are honest, faithful, disciplined, humble, and care deeply about others. Real men treat women and children with respect, encourage them, and celebrate their successes. Real men listen more than they speak. They think before they act. They take responsibility for their actions and their circumstances. They fix problems without complaining. They forgive and they ask for forgiveness. They put family above themselves. They put the team above the individual. They make sacrifices for the greater good. They unite us and bring us together. That’s what real men do.
Wait, isn’t being a man — a real man — about raw physical strength, power, and dominance? Didn’t Conan the Barbarian sum it up well when asked, “what is good in life?” He proclaimed, “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” What about the more modern, Jordan Belfort “The Wolf of Wall Street,” manly persona? Isn’t being a real man about accumulating wealth, so you can indulge in whatever you want, whenever you want it? And don’t forget the hunter / military LARPer (also known as Cosplaytriots) who like to dress up in full combat gear and show off their large gun collections. These self-proclaimed alpha male archetypes aren’t just in the movies, there are many real versions of them who have podcasts and large online followings today.
Sadly, there seems to be a growing belief in our society that being a man means being able to physically and financially dominate others — that you can and will win at all costs. That the end justifies the means. I am here to tell you that there is no amount of weightlifting, money, or guns that will ever make you more of a man. In fact, the more you need those things to prove your manliness, the less secure you are in your manhood. Being a bully, blaming others, taking advantage of the defenseless, resorting to childish name calling, bragging about yourself, showing off your wealth, and constantly engaging in self-aggrandizing rants…these are all tactics of the most insecure, spineless poltroons. If you need to dominate others to feel like a man, then you are not much of a man to begin with.
One of the manliest and morally strongest men I know is the stoic philosopher Epictetus. He was born into slavery. The apocryphal story of his broken leg illustrates real man strength. His master, Epaphroditus, a freedman of Emperor Nero, was known for his cruelty. One day, Epaphroditus was angry with Epictetus and began twisting his leg. Not able to defend himself physically, Epictetus, calmly and without showing any outward sign of pain, told his master, “If you keep at it, you will break my leg. While my leg will heal, you will always be injured knowing you broke it.” Epaphroditus continued, and eventually, Epictetus’s leg did indeed break. To this, Epictetus simply remarked, “See, I told you.”
The real measure of a man is his strength of character — especially in the most challenging moments. His moral strength. His honesty. His integrity. His trustworthiness. His willingness to care for the least among us. His hard work. His discipline. His restraint. His thoughtfulness. His willingness to provide for us, lift us up, and unite us. A real man is a good husband, father, and leader. And that’s why, this November, I am voting for a woman for President.
